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Ted Nugent – This Emperor Wears No Loincloths

By tmcbpatriot | April 22, 2012 | No Comments

This past week we saw the passing of two legends in the form of Dick Clark and Levon Helm. Both contributed, in their own way, to the quality of American music and they will not be forgotten.

This past week we also saw another “legend” in the news. I am talking about Ted Nugent. That I mention him in the same breath as the other two is mere coincidence. But this week Uncle Ted, who normally gets a pass from me in terms of wasted effort belittling him on his insanity and ignorance, crossed over into new territory with his Obama threats. For that I have to say a few things, if for nothing else then to feel good belittling him. It’s been a long time coming. I am sure he won’t read this, but who cares? It will feel good.

Here goes…

I have never owned a Ted Nugent record, nor have I ever known anyone who has. My Ted Nugent knowledge never got further than Wango Tango and Cat Scratch Fever, and that was only because in 1985 MTV played whatever it could get its hands on. You can’t blame them really.

Now if this makes me sound like a music snob then to that I say you have never really listened to Ted Nugent, have you? To consider someone a music snob who doesn’t like Ted Nugent’s is like calling someone a food snob because they don’t eat at Popeye’s. I have always considered myself someone with good taste when it comes to music. I will not list my favs here, but suffice it to say Ted Nugent is not one of em’.

Another important thing to note about “The Motor City” Douchebag is that Ted wants you to think he really care about our country and will do anything to protect it. For example, this past week Ted threatened President Obama by saying he would either be “dead or in jail this time next year” if Obama is elected President and that if that happens America will be a suburb of Indonesia next year.

Now, when I heard this I thought:

  1. Nugent seems to have forgotten that Obama has been President these last four years and has not yet turned us into a suburb of Indonesia, nor has he taken away Ted’s right to threaten a sitting President and not get thrown into jail as a result.
  2. Ted does not see the irony in the fact that he is making incendiary comments on a live radio show while being simulcast on video about a President who wants to take everyone’s guns away at a fu**ing NRA convention! Did any of the morons standing there notice this irony? Of course not! That gun loving, small penis brigade would first have to know what that word meant!
  3. Ted is sincere in his threats, but just takes a long time to get it done. These first four years were just the planning stage. It’s those next four year we have to worry about. RIght Ted? UhHuh. I thought so.
Now, this is not the first time Ted has made threats. He’s been doing that for years. For example, back in 2010 Nugent was waxing political about his “threat” to run for Governor of Michigan:

Referring to [then] Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm, [Nugent] would frequently interject “Jennifer Granholm, kiss my ass” into his songs, and shoot an arrow at her likeness [during performances]. In a 2007 interview, in discussing running for governor of Michigan, he stated that Granholm “is not doing an ugly job, but as the perfect woman, she is scrotumless”.

“That would be beautiful,” Nugent said when asked if he would run for governor of Michigan in 2010. “I have threatened to do so and I was sincere.”

Turns out, “threatening” to run for office is the same for Ted as threatening to make a decent record. Neither will ever happen.

Another group Ted loves to threaten is that of the animal world. Surprisingly, as an animal killer Ted is quite good…well sort of.

Ted has been threatening animal life for some time. An avid bow hunter, Ted wants you to believe he is a master of the outdoors. He even has a show whose title I will not name or link to here. But in it he shoots all kinds of things until they are no longer a threat to him. He kills elephants, mountain lions, tigers, deer, and even bears. In fact, he recently had to pay a fine for killing one illegally.

Nugent, 63, was on Alaska’s Sukkwan Island in May 2009 filming an episode of his Outdoor Channel television show. According to court documents, he was bow hunting near a bait station designed to attract black bears when he fired an arrow that wounded a bear, which then ran off.

Nugent failed to locate and harvest the wounded black bear…and then four days later, he shot and killed another black bear at one of the registered bait sites and then transported it off the island.

The problem: Alaska hunting regulations say the first wounded bear fulfilled his bag limit; the second one was an illegal kill. Transporting it off the island made it a violation of the federal Lacey Act.

Ted is very much like any typical, modern-day, tough guy, hunter. He hunts with the most sophisticated weapons and is so out of shape that he will never track an animal or actually “hunt” it. Instead, he and his buddies will sit around waiting for game to come to them. But even doing that Ted manages to do it poorly:

August 20, 2010, MARYSVILLE, Calif. — Ted Nugent says he should have been better informed about California game laws after pleading no contest to misdemeanor charges of deer-baiting.

California game wardens watching [Nugent’s hunting show] saw Nugent kill an immature buck during the hunt in Northern California. Investigators found that the deer had been eating bait before being killed. Baiting wildlife is illegal in California.

Was Nugent planning to use bait to lure President Obama to his demise too?

What about this guy:

“And in my mind, I’m going why can’t I just shoot this [Hate Krishna] guy in the spine right now; shoot him in the spine, explain the facts of life to him. — WRIF-FM, Detroit, Ted Nugent as guest D.J., Sept. 28, 1990

Or these people? 

“You want to know how to get peace, love and understanding? Who doesn’t know this? The Ku-Klux-Klan? The Black Panthers? Child rapists? How do you get peace, love and understanding? First of all you have to find all the bad people. Then you kill them.”

You see, Ted likes to threaten people all the time. He is a regular tough guy. But the question I keep asking myself is, how can someone who threatens so many with death be such a damn wuss?

Then I realize that Ted Nugent is very much representative of the typical American. He is loud and rude, he won’t go off to fight a war (a must read by the way), he has never run for public office even after “threatening” to do so, and doesn’t have the stamina or the brains to outsmart a deer without luring it to within fifty feet using bait. This does not sound to me like the rock god, tough guy, killer Ted wants you to think he is.

In reality, and at the end of the day, Ted is nothing more than a loud, angry old man luring non-thinkers at NRA conventions in for the kill, much like those poor animals unlucky enough to find his bait. What nobody seems to notice though is that this emperor is wearing no clothes, not even a loincloth.

In fact, when Ted doubled down on his Obama threats by saying he was like “a black Jew at a Nazi-Klan rally, and the Secret Service felt it time to pay him a visit, Ted responded by walking back his threats saying that “by no stretch of the imagination did I threaten anyone’s life, or hint at violence or mayhem…Metaphors needn’t be explained to educated people.”

In other words, don’t expect to hear any threatening words coming out of Ted’s mouth about the President or anyone else in power anytime soon. Seems the one group who Ted loves to act tough around told him to STFU and, by god, he STFU’d! Go figure.

An elephant can’t fight back. A tiger is dead before it even knows what hit it. As for people, Ted is no more a killer than you or I. He dodged the draft and never spent a day fighting for his country any more than I have. He is just another nutty guy with a microphone and an audience who simply can’t resist his bait.

Wang Dang Sweet Poontang!



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